Secrets of the Soul
by Vicki595
Summary: Chakotay makes a decision and Voyager gets attacked.


Disclaimer: I own nothing. Paramount is God and owns everything (unfortunately!)  
  
Rating: PG -13  
  
Author's Note: This took me two years to finish. I started it, intending to use it for a piece of English homework, realised that it would never make the deadline, so put it away. Two years later... here it finally is!  
  
  
  
Secrets of the Soul  
  
In a dimly lit room, a dark figure could be seen, pacing up and down. A man it could be seen, tall and robust. He had been pacing for what seemed like an eternity, yet the man knew it could have only been twenty minutes at most. The room was quiet and dark; the only thing that reminded him that he was on a starship were the stars out the window. Pausing, to look at them, he was reminded of a person. The person who was the cause of this everlasting pacing. He started pacing again.  
  
She was always in his mind, sometimes at the back, but more often at the front. Her name was burned deep in his heart, her face and voice forever in his mind. Not an hour went past when he didn't think about her. She was the last thought in his head before he went to sleep at night and the first thought when he woke up in the morning. It seemed to him as if she was with him all the time. He didn't know if she shared these feelings, if his unrequited love was a mutual love between them. And he would never know if he didn't find the courage to say the three words that could change their lives forever. Three words. One sentence. That was it. They had the power to change their relationship for better or worse - he didn't know. Three words which could shatter him into a thousand or more pieces, or open up countless doors, leading to countless possibilities. Three words. Once sentence. Had he ever said it and meant it? His mother didn't count, that was for sure. So had he? His mind was blurred. No. He hadn't. He had been waiting for the right woman, his soul mate. And he had at last found her. In the Delta Quadrant. They had been flung there by a mysterious entity known as the Caretaker six years ago. He had harboured and nurtured his love for her for six years, saying nothing. Hinted at, but never telling her outright. Fate had brought them together. But was fate going to keep them apart?  
  
He sighed, a deep meaningful sigh. It wasn't as if there had been a lack of opportunities; there had been plenty. Shuttle rides, away missions, dinner in his and her quarters, on the holodeck or even just in her ready room. Should he tell her? Should he reveal the inner secrets of his heart to her? He didn't know, for he had never felt this way before about anyone. There had been others of course, but they had meant nothing, or ended in pain. One in particular he preferred not to mention, even now. That woman was dead now, but it hadn't been her death which had spurned the pain in his heart.  
  
This wasn't a decision he could make alone - but who could her turn to? Tom Paris, the young pilot, with his roving eye for women? No. Anyway, Tom was married now, with a baby on the way, and although he was not meant to know about the baby, he had seen the changes take place in the mother to be. And Tom's wife told him daily that she loved him. Tuvok, although much older, would be no use, for he was a Vulcan, and therefore had no emotions. How then, would he understand the fire in his heart? Slowly, he went through the rest of the crew. None could help him, and he realised that there was only one person who could help him - his father. It didn't matter that the son was in the middle of nowhere, or even that his father was dead, for there was still one way that he could contact him. There was an ancient method used by his people to contact their spirit guides, and he would use that method to talk to his father. He would go on a vision quest.  
  
* * *  
  
He had closed his eyes in his quarters, and now, he opened them to see trees around him - a forest.  
  
It was cool and quiet in the forest, and he recognised where he was instantly. It was Dorvan 5, his home planet. The planet which the Cardassians had attacked, killing his friends and family. He could sympathise with the alien cook, whose family had also been killed when their moon had been attacked in what was known as the Metron Cascade. He looked around him, drinking in the familiar sights and sounds. He could hear the wind rustling in the trees and bushes; the call of wild birds, calling to each other in the distance. Pushing the thoughts aside, he continued on through the forest, along a beaten mud path, until he reached a small clearing, where his father, Kolopack was sitting, cross-legged with his eyes closed. He sat down opposite his father, and spoke quietly.  
  
"Father," he began. The elder man's opened and he looked at his son. "What is troubling you, Chakotay?" he asked.  
  
"I am at a cross roads in my life, father," replied Chakotay. "And I don't know which way to go."  
  
Kolopac looked closely at the man in front of him, so different to the child he had been. "This is about a woman, isn't it?"  
  
Chakotay nodded.  
  
"And what is this crossroad you speak of?"  
  
"One is to speak up, to say something and let her know how I feel. Or I could stay quiet, and keep my distance as I have done so for so many years," Chakotay said.  
  
"And where do those paths lead you?" prompted Kolopac.  
  
" Both may lead to heartbreak, but the first one may take me somewhere that I have only dreamed of."  
  
"Then surely it is obvious to you which one you must take," replied Kolopack. "Tell me Chakotay, do you truly love her?"  
  
"With all my heart father. She is my last thought at night, and my first thought in the morning. Every time I am near her, I just long to hold her in my arms. Every time she touches me, I wish it were as if we were lovers. She smiles, and my world lights up. Everyday, I put my life in her hands, and everyday, I would willingly die for her." Chakotay looked at the floor, knowing what his father would say next.  
  
"Then you must tell her. If you love her that much, she deserves to know."  
  
Chakotay didn't have a chance to reply to his father, as he found himself sitting on the floor of his quarters. It took him a few seconds to realise that his combadge was chirping.  
  
"Torres to Chakotay. Chakotay, open up and let me in!"  
  
Chakotay stood up. "Come in B'Elanna," he told her. The door slid open to reveal Voyager's chief engineer, the half-Klingon, former Maquis B'Elanna Torres, or rather Torres-Paris as she was now.  
  
"Finally," she sighed in exasperation. "Nice of you to let me in, after you invited me over in the first place. So, what is it that's so urgent?" she asked, sitting down in his armchair, and looking up at her former captain. Chakotay sat down on the sofa opposite her.  
  
"I need some help, B'Ela," he told her. "I'm having dinner with Kathryn later, and I've decided that it's finally time to tell her how I feel about her."  
  
B'Elanna's eyes widened. He was going to tell Kathryn that he loved her! "Finally. It's taken you long enough, hasn't it!" She exclaimed. She knew that Kathryn had feelings for him too, but she kept them buried deep inside her, always presenting a calm, Vulcan-like exterior to the crew. The whole crew knew how Chakotay felt about their captain. It was obvious, the way he looked at her. The way Tom looks at you, she thought, and her hand moved subtly to her stomach. She and Tom had a secret of their own, which they still weren't ready to share yet, although they had found out from the Doctor nearly two months ago. Chakotay was too busy starring into the space above B'Elanna's head to notice her hand movement. He was thinking of Kathryn, wondering how he could say it. Wondering what they could have for dinner tonight. Wondering what she would wear. I hope she wears the blue dress he thought. Blue really brings out the colour in her eyes.  
  
"Chakotay." B'Elanna's voice cut through his thoughts like a knife. He lowered his gaze to look at her. "Yeah?"  
  
"How are you gonna tell her?" she asked.  
  
"That's what I need your help for," he informed her. B'Elanna groaned and rolled her eyes. "Just speak from the heart, and tell her what you feel," she told him. "Although I warn you, it did take a near death experience for me to admit my feelings for Tom."  
  
"So I tell her that she's the light of my life, the only thing in my life worth living for. That I go to sleep at night, thinking about her, and I wake up in the morning, still thinking about her. That when she touches me, my body feels as though it's on fire. That when every time I see her, I fall in love with her over again. I tell her how I long to just hold her in my arms, and that I will never want to let go." Chakotay said.  
  
"I love you normally fits in somewhere," B'Elanna told him, trying to release some of the tension in the atmosphere. No one, not even her - his closest friend after Kathryn, had realised just how deep his feelings were. B'Elanna hoped that Kathryn would also be able to summon up the courage to tell him how she felt too.  
  
Chakotay looked at B'Elanna. "Thanks, B'Ela," he said. "I'm gonna do just that later." B'Elanna rose to her feet. "I'm sorry, but I can't stay any longer," she told him. "But I've got to go see K.someone else now before I go find out what the Doctor's whining about."  
  
Chakotay stood up. "Then I won't keep you any longer. I'll see you tomorrow morning for breakfast, in the mess hall?"  
  
"0630 sharp," B'Elanna told him, as she left his quarters, and walked down the corridor to the turbo-lift at the end. Kathryn had asked to see her in her ready room, and B'Elanna wondered what it could be about.  
  
The lift stopped, and B'Elanna stepped out onto the bridge of Voyager. Tom Paris, her husband and father of her unborn child, was at the helm. He turned around and smiled at her, careful not to let Tuvok, the Vulcan head of security catch him. B'Elanna smiled back, and blew a kiss at him. Kathryn was not on the bridge, and B'Elanna went straight to her ready room, and rang the door chime. "Come in," she heard, and B'Elanna stepped into the ready room.  
  
Kathryn was sitting on the sofa, a mug in her hands, staring out into the stars. B'Elanna stood just inside the doorway, wondering if she had been called here as the chief engineer of Voyager, or just as a friend. She suspected the latter, but would wait for Kathryn to address her first. "Have a seat B'Elanna. You're here as a friend, not as an engineer," Kathryn told her. B'Elanna crossed the room and sat down next to her friend. Kathryn stayed silent, still looking at the stars. "B'Elanna," she began. "Does Chakotay still have feelings for me?"  
  
B'Elanna was silent. Told you it was a bad idea to have good friendships with your commanding officers, a little voice in the back of her head told her. B'Elanna tried to figure out the best way to word her answer. "Well, umm, I, uh.yes," she said, looking straight at Kathryn. Kathryn sighed. "And I, well, I have feelings for him too," she confessed, looking straight into B'Elanna's brown eyes. B'Elanna's first thought was Oh in Kahless's name, why me? Then she realised that Kathryn was asking for her advice.  
  
"Tell him," she said simply, hoping once the two of them had admitted their love for each other, B'Elanna's life would become a whole less complicated.  
  
"I don't know how to tell him," Kathryn admitted. "What could I say?"  
  
"So I tell her that she's the light of my life, the only thing in life worth living for. That I go to sleep at night, thinking about her, and I wake up in the morning, still thinking about her. That when she touches me, my body feels as though it's on fire. That when every time I see her, I fall in love with her over again. I tell her how I long to just hold her in my arms, and that I will never want to let go." Chakotay's voice haunted B'Elanna, and she told Kathryn "Speak from your heart."  
  
"I stopped speaking form my heart a long time ago, B'Elanna. I don't know if it'll talk to me again."  
  
"If you truly love him, then you'll find someway to let him know," B'Elanna said. In Kahless's name, where am I getting this advise from? And why are they coming to me for it? I'm an engineer, not a counsellor! B'Elanna suddenly realised that she had to go. "I'm very sorry Kathryn, but I've got to go see the Doctor," she said, getting up to go.  
  
"Yes, go. Don't keep him waiting on my account," Kathryn told her. "0630 in the mess hall tomorrow morning, right?"  
  
"See you then," B'Elanna replied, as she left her friend alone to her thoughts.  
  
Kathryn looked out onto the stars. "They're so beautiful," she whispered out loud. "You're more beautiful," a voice said behind her. Chakotay. Kathryn's cheeks coloured slightly. "When did you come in?" she asked, not turning round, not trusting herself to throw herself into his arms, and never let go. "When B'Elanna left," he said. "I was quite content to watch you for a while." Kathryn felt more colour flooding into her cheeks, as she turned around to face him. "So, any particular reason while you're here?" Kathryn tried to avoid looking in his eyes, when all she wanted was to stare into the brown depths.  
  
Chakotay felt her piercing blue eyes scanning him, as he tried not to stare at her. He had been doing this for six years now, surviving on these brief glimpses of her, growing hungrier for her after their contact. And now he was to tell her how he really felt about her. He crossed the room, although he was unsure how he was going to contain himself the nearer he got to her. "Kathryn, we need to talk," he said. "And before you say anything, no, it can't wait until tonight." He sat down next to her, and took her hands in his. "Kathryn, we've known each other for six years now, and despite the fact we're on a starship, lost on the other side of the galaxy, these six years have been the best of my life." Kathryn opened her mouth to speak, but Chakotay placed his finger gently on her lips to silence her. "No, I need to say this, without covering up the truth with some ancient legend this time. Kathryn Marie Janeway, I love you. I've loved you since I first saw you on that viewscreen. I knew that you were there to capture me, I just didn't realise that you'd capture my heart as well."  
  
Kathryn sat there, too stunned to speak. Chakotay saw a million and one thoughts and feelings in her eyes. "I don't know if I should have told you this," he said. "But what I do know is that I'm never gonna regret it." He was cut off as her lips pressed down on his, cautiously, gently. Filled with promise, uncertainty, love and passion. He placed his head round the back of her head, and gently pulled her closer.  
  
  
  
"He's been in there for half an hour," exclaimed Tom Paris. B'Elanna looked up at him. She was fiddling with the panel underneath the CONN, trying to see if there was a reason why it was "sluggish" as Tom had put it.  
  
"Maybe their discussing promoting you back to Lieutenant, hey Ensign?" she grinned at her husband. Tom grimaced. "Nah, you'll be Lieutenant Commander before they push me up to Lieutenant again," he told her. "They'll probably demote me down to crewman though, if they find out about the pool."  
  
"And what pool would that be?" Kathryn asked, as she walked from her ready room, to the captain's chair in the middle of the bridge, Chakotay following her. Tom noticed how happy the commander looked. "Someone's in seventh heaven," he muttered to B'Elanna, who looked confused at his remark. For the captain's ears, he said "The pool in the new holo-program I'm writing." B'Elanna grinned, thankful that no one could see her facial expressions as long as she was sat down on the floor by Tom's console.  
  
"Sounds interesting," Kathryn remarked. "I may try it out once it's finished."  
  
"Well, it's nowhere near completion," Tom admitted. "It's not even started yet," he told B'Elanna under his breath.  
  
"Well, keep me informed of it's progress. And Tom?"  
  
"Yes Ma'am?"  
  
"Aren't you due in sickbay?" Tom yelped. He was late! B'Elanna smiled as she finished working with the CONN. Poor Tom hated having to work with the Doctor. Her smile fell, as she realised that she hadn't gone to see the Doctor, after coming out of the captain's ready room. Tom had immediately called her over to check out the CONN, where she had found a minor connection severed. Not enough to prevent Tom from piloting the ship, or to ask another engineer about, but enough to keep her occupied for about twenty minutes. Which of course had stretched to thirty with Tom there. B'Elanna stood up, and made her way to the turbo lift at the back of the bridge, nodding to Lieutenant Taylor who was working at the engineering console.  
  
Tom was waiting for her in sickbay. He had not been lectured by the Doctor for being late, but instead had received a lecture about his wife's inability to remember appointments. "B'Ela!" he hissed, as she walked in the door. "Watch out - he's in a really bad mood."  
  
"So, I'll keep my finger on his reset button then?" She said, leaning forward for a kiss. The Doctor came out of his office at this point. "Ah, Lieutenant Torres, so nice of you drop in," he said, not hiding the sarcasm in his voice. "It's Torres-Paris," she told him. "And has been for the last year and a half." Tom tried to hide his smile. The Doctor just sighed. All three of the Paris' is the same room, he thought, including the little boy growing in B'Elanna's womb. What an afternoon he was in for!  
  
About half an hour later, B'Elanna had finished with the Doctor, and was seated on a bio-bed. It was her fortnightly check up, and the Doctor was getting ready to scan her and her son, when an explosion rocked the ship, and B'Elanna fell off the bed. Tom immediately ran to her side. The captain's voice came over the com system. "Janeway to all hands. Red Alert. All hands to battle stations. Ensign Paris, Lieutenant Torres, report to the bridge." B'Elanna groaned. "My wrist." she began. The Doctor pushed Tom away. "Go to the bridge. I'll look after B'Elanna," he told Tom. "You're needed there." Tom nodded, and glanced back at his wife, as he left sickbay, blowing her a kiss as he did.  
  
Tom reached the bridge, and quickly took the helm. "B'Elanna fell off a bio-bed in sickbay," he yelled at the captain, over the sounds of the explosions. "She's done something to her wrist."  
  
"Alright then. Lieutenant Taylor went to engineering just after you left, so she'll have to co-ordinate things from down there. Tom, initiate evasive pattern Delta - 5."  
  
"Aye Captain. Evasive pattern Delta-5," Tom replied, inputting the necessary commands.  
  
"Mr Tuvok, status report on the attacking ships." Janeway demanded.  
  
"Their shields are down to 23% and they are loosing primary systems. I do not believe that." An explosion rocking the ship interrupted Tuvok's sentence, as the hostile ship off their port bow exploded.  
  
"Report Mr Kim," barked Janeway.  
  
"No survivors, Captain," the young ensign told her. "We're still in one piece, although that last explosion caused extensive structural damage. Reports of casualties coming in from all decks. One fatality." Harry's voice trailed off as he realised what had come up on the screen in front of him.  
  
"Who?" Kathryn asked, turning to face Harry. After six years, they had lost many people, but it still didn't make it any easier. Especially when the person died in an unprovoked attack such as this.  
  
"I.I.don't know Captain," Harry lied. Kathryn could tell that he was lying, but she had no idea why. Fortunately, Harry was given a brief respite with the Doctor contacting the bridge, and asking Tom to report to sickbay immediately. The turbolift doors had barely closed after Tom, when Kathryn asked Harry again.  
  
"B'Elanna was pregnant - she lost the baby," Harry told her, quietly. Kathryn sank down in her chair, and buried her head in her hands. Tom and B'Elanna were going to be devastated, and Kathryn knew that she wasn't going to be able to face another child on Voyager in the near future. B'Elanna couldn't have been that far along with her pregnancy, either, for no one knew about it. Kathryn wondered if that had been what the Paris' had wanted to tell her and Chakotay the next morning at breakfast.  
  
"Mr Kim," she spoke quietly. "Co-ordinate with engineering, and report back to me on the extensity of the damage, and estimated repair times. I'll be in my ready room." Kathryn got up, and walked across the bridge, and Chakotay followed her. Once the door closed behind her, allowing them privacy, she fell into his arms. When she looked up, there were tears in her eyes. "Why?" was all she said. Chakotay just shook his head, and led her gently over to the sofa. Resting her head on his shoulder, they sat there, his arm around her shoulders, keeping her close towards him. "They didn't even have a chance to tell us," she whispered. "I knew they were trying for a baby - they came and asked me if it would be alright. I." Kathryn broke down again. Together, they sat there. Mourning for a life, which had no chance to live. Tomorrow, they would have to look to the future. 


End file.
